FLASHBACK TO MONDAY, JULY 3, 2017
It is the afternoon, I have been in the car with my mom and brother for about 4 and a half hours now. I am looking out the window as we are going under a tunnel. As we’re getting near the end, the sun is bright, like electricity blowing up. Turquoise water starts peaking through the electric sun, buildings next. These buildings are different. I am used to New York City’s buildings. The closer we get, the quieter I get. I cannot admit it, but I’m scared. I wanted to turn back right then and there and blow my opportunity away. After getting lost for about ten minutes, we find the parking lot like it said on the schedule. Now, we are scheduled for lunch at Uno’s to meet my brand new coaches and teammates.
As I am walking through Uno’s doors, I can feel eyes on me. Now I feel them on me, studying me like I am some exotic creature. I feel tears swelling up, I start fighting back. I thought I was tough, I thought I could handle it. But really, I thought I could avoid this enough this day enough that it would never happen. F*ck. My emotions are erupting out of my body. Where can I run off to?
I have always thought of myself as an individual, but the thing is, I was always surrounded by individuals making us all feel together. My first day at college was a big reality check. Seconds after I stepped foot out of my car door for my first day, I already felt like I was in jail. I strive for my freedom, but I knew what I signed myself up for. And at that point, I was surrounded by people. I had no home I could run away to, no beach to go release my thoughts too. There I stood in front of my new teammates and coaches. Every single girl in the room was mostly wearing gym shorts and a t-shirt, or jean shirts and some basic shirt. There I stood, in my long navy blue skirt, tie-died watermelon t-shirt, and platform pumas with sparkly socks. My hair was all different shades of bright blue and I had colorful henna tattoos drawn all up my arm. I had no expectations coming in at the time, but I felt sad, lonely, and far out of place.
I have really learned to value my own opinion over the years, especially when it comes to expressing myself. At home, I would have my cousins and friends to bring comfort, and at times rely on them to feel accepted due to our individual spirits meshing. In my first year of college, I caught myself feeling self-conscious at times, especially around other athletes. After practices in the morning when I was done showering in the locker room, I would put on my outfit for the day. My confidence would start failing me and let my pessimistic thoughts in, telling me people are silently judging me. Sometimes I would even get verbal comments thrown at me every now and then, “How do you even have the time to dress up like that every day?”
As months passed, so did my feeling of discomfort. I learned to open myself up more to other people. I had to talk some of my feelings out my freshmen year when all I wanted to do was hold back. I forced myself to speak out, and actually learned I am not the only one feeling alone. As result, I found one of my best friends at Northeastern. One good thing can change and someone’s whole world can feel turned around.
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